The hardest thing one can do is to forgive, not others, but themselves.
Story of Dylan:
There was a time when Dylan’s eyes carried a storm, a tempest of anger and deep-seated pain. One cool autumn morning, he walked into my office with the weight of his past etched into every line on his face. He sat silently for a moment, then spoke in a voice heavy with burden, “I’m tired of this anger, yet I can’t seem to let it go.” I invited him to share more, and as he began, it became clear that his resentment was not just about the wrongs done to him, it was a relentless echo that he had internalized.
I asked him, “Dylan, what does it mean to you to forgive?” His eyes flickered with uncertainty. “I fear that forgiving will mean letting them off the hook, that justice will be denied,” he confessed. In that moment, I gently explained: forgiveness is not about excusing behavior or absolving someone of accountability. It is about recognizing the past, accepting it in all its painful honesty, and starting with yourself. True forgiveness begins with self-compassion, a commitment to heal from within rather than clinging to a cycle of hatred that only deepens your own wounds.
I likened holding onto anger to grasping a burning coal: the longer you hold on, the more you injure yourself. Hatred and rage, even when they seem justified, forge a chain of resentment that ensnares you. Every surge of anger is a reminder that the past continues to dictate your present, and in doing so, it blinds you to the possibility of renewal. In our conversation, I shared a passage that has always resonated with me, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” This wasn’t a call to overlook injustice but an invitation to break free from the self-imposed prison of resentment.
As Dylan unraveled his story, it became evident that the first step toward forgiving others was to extend that same grace to himself. By confronting the pain of his past rather than running from it, he could begin to see that self-forgiveness was not a sign of weakness, but a courageous act of reclaiming his power. Each tear shed, every moment of vulnerability, paved the way for a transformation, one where the heavy chains of bitterness were slowly replaced by the liberating force of self-love.
I concluded our session with these words: “Forgiveness is not about forgetting the wrongs done to us, but about refusing to let them continue to define us. It’s about recognizing our past, embracing its lessons, and choosing to care for ourselves first. Only then can the true healing process begin.” Dylan’s eyes softened as he whispered, “I now understand that holding onto anger hurts me more than it ever hurt those who wronged me.”
In a world where justice sometimes seems elusive, embracing forgiveness might feel like a betrayal of that balance. Yet, forgiveness does not negate the need for justice, it reclaims your right to inner peace. By choosing self-compassion over perpetual bitterness, you acknowledge that every act of hatred serves only to widen the chasm between who you are and who you could be.
I invite you to embark on this journey of self-forgiveness and healing. Look to the past not as a chain that binds you, but as a foundation upon which you can rebuild your strength. Remember, the process of forgiving others starts with forgiving yourself. In doing so, you open the door to a life filled not with lingering resentment, but with the gentle, transformative power of compassion.
Reasoning:
The ideas behind what gives us strength lies in the path that led us to where we are now. We cannot escape the past, just as we cannot take back all those steps that got us here. The only thing we can do is to reflect on the journey so far and purposefully choose which steps to take moving forward. We must, or else we are lost.
By constantly looking backwards and hating what you see, it paralyzes you so you cannot walk anymore. You become drawn in by the past, absorbed by it with your thoughts, and anxiety seeps in. It becomes disdainful, hateful, to even think about it. But, that past is you, whether you hate it or disdain it. It is quite antithetical to growth to constantly hate yourself.
Self-compassion means to see your past through the eyes of humility. Who is your own harshest critic? If you said yourself, then it could be that your sense of justice is tying you to what you see as your faults. It is easy to see those mistakes and say “this mistake means I am not human” or “I must be so broken because I thought that was okay” or even “I should have been there for them”. These thoughts dictate our emotional anchoring in the pity of our souls. We believe that our past self is unworthy of our love, and thus, we currently are unworthy of it. How can we forgive someone we cannot love or understand? This is what it means to know yourself, and it is the first step towards self-love and forgiveness.
Activity:
I recommend writing a letter to your past, younger self. What did they need to hear? What do you wish you heard when you were that age? Make it a conversation with your younger self. An advanced, and very difficult version, of this involved reading your letter to yourself in the mirror. Looking into your eyes, seeing your humanity, and allowing your emotions to flow instead of blocking them.
Empathy is our greatest gift. When we think of the past, it is easy to think of the pain we caused others, but we must remember we were in pain then too. We didn’t know, you didn’t know, and it is not your fault. You made decisions that hurt yourself or others, no doubt, but you still deserve to be loved.
Now, when you look past at the path you took to get to where you are now, you will see a world beyond the myopic focus of the pain. The ripples of our choices is always, always, always one of growth and change. That makes, and connects us all, a human and one of God’s children.
Recommended Reading:
“Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application” by Everett Worthington
This comprehensive work by Everett Worthington delves into the theoretical foundations and practical applications of forgiveness, drawing on both empirical research and clinical practice.
“The Book of Forgiving: The Fourfold Path for Healing Ourselves and Our World” by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu
In this influential work, Archbishop Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu offer a deeply reflective and practical guide to forgiveness. The book presents a fourfold path that outlines the steps toward genuine forgiveness: acknowledging the hurt, granting forgiveness, learning from the experience, and rebuilding relationships. While the text is accessible to a broad audience, it is anchored in the Tutu’s extensive theological background and personal experiences within the context of South African reconciliation post-apartheid.
The Sunset on Winter’s Edge
The ever-flowing sea of ice and sleet,
forever folded in the waves of torrents,
placed so fervently, yet so crisp and calm,
the depth of sight alludes our song.
We deflect our senses, goodbye to minds,
instead we deepen our resolve of the lined,
the faint ghost of winter on our noses,
as we breath in the life of winter’s chosen.
The sun decided to apparate,
saw the world and became destitute,
it feels the beauty of the world,
but even it cannot be but hurled.
Winter creates, yet destroys,
a kiss towards our end in sight,
we may not fully comprehend the night,
but the sun has trusted us with this plight.
Dr. Tranquil